NOT as SHARP as claimed to BE!!!!! Was clearly 52.67 lbs. instead of 60. How can they Claim such a fallacy!?!?? This cheese is a COMPULSIVE LIAR! Get it out OF my house! Even my SAVVY 16 cats WON'T stand for this! A TRUE provolone should be less yellow, but what do you expect from such a COWARDLY fromage?

Yes, I know I gave this a 1 star rating, but am telling you to buy this. When this cheese wheel got to my front door step, I grabbed it and took it to the kitchen. I took this horrible chunk of dairy out of the package and began to eat. But to my horror, something had to be answered and I don't mean the door. I ran to the bathroom to answer nature's call. It's ironic how I called it "Nature's Call." It was not nature calling, I learned it the hard way. It was a message from Lucifer himself. As I spent hours on the toilet of no return (I call it that because you won't be able to leave the bathroom after ingesting this cheese wheel), I thought I was done for. The horrific crying sound coming from my abdomen was telling me that this evil spirit had to be unleashed from my bowels in order to survive this "nature call." As I prayed to Mother Mary to spare my life during this intestinal exorcism, I felt "peace." I thought I saw the light in the brink of death, but it just turned out that I am lactose intolerant.

I am an executive police inspector for the Seattle PD. Seven years ago I was investigating a series of gruesome murders that occurred in the city and its surrounding suburbs. I remember my first encounter with the case, it was mid-December and I had just returned from my "vacation" in North Korea. The second my plane landed, I saw I had 24,000 missed messages, too much for one man to deal with.
"I'm not dealing with this right now." I threw my phone off the tarmac beneath an oncoming plane. Immediately I received a call on my walkie-talkie; that's when I knew it was serious. As I watched the plane crush my phone from the safety of the terminal, I answered the walkie talkie.
"Hello, can you hear me?" It was my boss, Jeff.
"What's the secret password?" I had be sure it was really him.
"Password." It was him.
"What is it?"
"Password."
"No, I mean why did you call me?"
"There's a new case we need you on, now."
"I'm on my way." Being the incredible athlete and part-time gymnast-wrestler that I was, I quickly jumped into the path of an oncoming bus. It hit me but luckily it had already slowed down for the yellow light. Yellow is my least favorite color, it reeks of uncertainty, citrus, and cat urine.
With the bus stalled and the driver momentarily confused, I boarded the bus and flashed my badge.
"Seattle PD! Everybody off the bus!" They quickly left the bus and I grabbed the wheel. A mere two hours later I pulled the bus into the police station, a fire blazing beneath the fuel tank and twigs stuck between the axles. That's another story entirely.
Jeff saw me and waved me over to the conference room. I ran over to him; jumping the handrail and vaulting over the staircase that led to the second floor. I screeched to a stop two inches from his face as I panted from physical exertion.
"You smell lemony."
"I got hit by a bus at a yellow light."
"Damn the public transportation system."
"You wanted to see me?"
"There's a dead body."
"Alright let's go." I turned to go but two things stopped me. First Jeff grabbed my arm and said "no it's in here." As he gestured to the conference room floor. Second, the fire in the bus finally reached the fuel tank and the entire bus exploded taking half the police station and police force with it.
I turned around. "What did you say?"
"The body, it's in here." I looked down and saw the gruesome scene of the victim. It was Chuck the secretary, my neighbor and last living relative. Or at least he was"¦
His body was bruised and swollen all over as if he had been struck by a large object several times. "He's been struck by a large object, many times." I analyzed the scene further. "The murder weapon was large, around 60 pounds I'd say." I ran my hand over a long cut across his inner arm. "And sharp." I wiped a bead of liquid off his forehead and tasted it. "Hmm"¦ cheese."
Jeff chimed in "cheddar?"
"No"¦ provolone."
"Goddamnit."
"And not the cheap stuff."
After a few minutes of intensely staring Chuck's body down, Jeff finally retorted. "I'll keep my eyes open."
"Best to keep both eyes open."
"That's what I said."
"Oh sorry." I left the remnants of the police station just as a couple structural supports gave way and the rest of the building collapsed. "I Guess Jeff forgot to keep both eyes open."
A few days later I was lounging in my living room when someone knocked on my door with the two most significant letters of my crimefighting career. The first letter told me that because all the police were dead and it was my fault that I was fired. I just stared at the bathroom mirror for a while "bummer." Then I resolved to put that mirror back in the bathroom.
It was a long time before I remembered to open that second letter.
I was trying to adjust the mirror in the bathroom but I didn't have a level and it just didn't look right. Suddenly a masked figure, who could only be described as a ninja, bursted though the wall and threw a knife right at my head. Unfortunately for the ninja, I was expecting this as I had heard on the radio that morning that the possibility of rain was thirty percent, and the possibility of a surprise ninja attack was seventy percent. Also, it was supposed to snow Friday. "Guess I oughta thank the weather man."
The ninja tried to get away but I picked up a roll of toilet paper and repeatedly bludgeoned him on the face and neck area with it.
"Okay, okay, please stop."
Confused, the ninja was briefly puzzled as to why I was asking him to stop, then I used the element of my surprise to my advantage and pinned him to the floor with the mirror. He pulled off his ninja mask and revealed that he was a woman.
This was a surprise to me as the weather man had also said the probability of a male ninja attack was much higher today. Unusual"¦
While I was considering this, the ninja escaped from beneath the mirror.
"No! How?" I exclaimed as she jumped out the window and landed in my yard. As I watched, trapped on the other side of the window because of my fear of jumping, she removed a small slice of cheese from her pocket and I watched as she slit the throat of my children and gutted them. I watched in fervent horror as she ripped out their long intestines, shoved them inside of their short intestines, and packed them inside of their spleens.
When I finally made it out the bathroom, after working up enough courage, I rushed them to the hospital where they remain for about six hours before the doctors fixed them. I'm not a doctor, and I know very little about medical practices, so I assumed they had screwed up and I redid the whole operation myself. Unfortunately, I miscalculated where the heart goes, something I was later told I shouldn't have removed at all, and they all died.
But not to worry, I had other children safely packed away in safe houses throughout Europe and Southern Asia.
I then set out in pursuit of the ninja but the trail had gone cold, so I got sushi and waited for it to reheat. Not long after, I heard about the cheese ninja while I was in the backstreets of Seattle. Even though it had been eighteen months, I still recognized the description: ninja, kills with cheese.
I grabbed my police-issued tricycle and set to the streets of Seattle, searching high and low for the ninja. It took me two days to find her, nested in a secret lair beneath the Space Needle, secreting away cheese rinds and applesauce, preparing for doomsday. When I found her, she immediately surrendered, probably because she was suffering from malnourishment and anxiety.
I saw the cheese rinds, and I noticed the walls were scattered with grainy photos of an enormous round of cheese. Most of the photos had blood scattered across the lenses, and in some, the sense was cracked or broken. One series of photos even showed the cheese round rolling gradually closer to the camera before, darkness.
"So you like cheese?"
She laughed maniacally and then just died, probably because she was allergic to applesauce. Foolish ninja.
"Well there goes my lead." I was just leaving when something caught my eye of the corner of my eye. I turned my eye and my eye saw what had caught my eye. Too late I realized that I had closed my other eye, and both my eyes were no longer open. A shard of cheese shot out of the darkness and grazed my tongue. I tasted"¦ provolone.
I burst out of the underground lair and ran as far and as fast as I could. I got about three minutes away before I stopped from exhaustion. "Guess running's gotten harder in the past few years, I blame all the sushi."
When I got back to my house, I saw the newspaper headline: "˜Bus Full of School Children Crashes, Slipped on Round of Cheese'.
Immediately, I knew what it meant. I also knew that I didn't have long before the cheese killer came for me too.
I dashed around my house, desperately searching for anything that could help me. I lifted up the cushion of my couch and saw the letter that had fallen under it all those years ago. It was back when I still had my Amazon account and they occasionally sent me promotional letters. The letter was advertising Sharp, Provolone Piccante Cheese (Whole Wheel). I read further, 60 pounds, provolone, sharp"¦ it all made sense now.
Without warning my front door was smashed in as an enormous figure, more ape than man, appeared in the door frame. He turned sideways to accommodate his bulky figure and withdrew from his large knapsack, a full wheel of Sharp, Provolone Piccante Cheese. Before he could brutally maim and kill me, I withdrew from behind me: a five gallon bottle of Brunello di Monticello wine and an enormous box of Ritz crackers. With no choice but to indulge in the perfect pairing of wine, cheese, and crackers; he sat down and began to feast.
After consuming the entire five gallon bottle of Brunello di Monticello wine, he was quite drunk and I was able to escort him to the police station where he was given a strict warning not to murder anyone else with cheese and and a legal notice declaring him lactose intolerant. With his hopes and dreams crushed, mine were restored. I was awarded by police badge back, and I received a plethora of medals and awards that congratulated my cheese-foiling success.
With these medals I am only one step away from the presidential medal of freedom and the noble prize in cheese-related crime. Seeing this cheese once again on Amazon has reminded me that other cheese killers are out there. So whoever you are, wherever you are, always remember that I am watching- with both eyes open"¦

Also it turns out that the so called cheese wheel is not a wheel but an oval. This was a huge disappointment and left many of my friends and family heartbroken. I suspect this to be the reason the cheese murderer began his horrific killing spree to begin with. Sad.

This cheese changed my life forever....

I purchased 8 of these to give away as gifts this past holiday season...they're much bigger than the baby belles i'm used to buying at the local grocery store.